Trading Anxiety for Confidence

I used to frequently numb myself to cope with a crippling anxiety. Alcohol binges, video game binges, streaming video binges, work binges, social media binges, etc. Anything to distract myself from the fire alarm going off in my mind. I had become adept at balancing the responsibilities of living a productive life with these self-destructive tendencies by my mid-30s. I had a successful career in IT, I had bought an awesome townhome in a great location, and I had a solid social network. I had a lot to be grateful for, yet I struggled to appreciate it. I lived with a near constant fear that it could all come tumbling down at any moment. And if it did, it would be my fault because I was a worthless piece of shit who didn’t deserve to be happy. That is what I used to believe. I felt an unrealistic need to be hypervigilant and not make any mistakes while getting more and more work done until the pressure built up so much that I sought escape. To numb myself and then try to be perfect again.

When I was around the age of 36, I read a book on Positive Psychology titled Optimal Functioning and came across a quote that intrigued me -

Suppose you read about a pill that you could take once a day to reduce anxiety and increase your contentment. Would you take it? Suppose further that the pill has a great variety of side effects, all of them good: increased self-esteem, empathy, and trust; it even improves your memory. Suppose, finally, that the pill is all natural and costs nothing. Now would you take it? The pill exists. It is meditation - Jonathan Haidt

It sounded a little too good to be true, but I decided to go for it regardless. I started with a small yet consistent practice of using a meditation app for 5 to 10 minutes a day. After a couple of months, I noticed a drop in my anxiety. I couldn’t explain what had changed, but I could feel it enough to keep going. I began to recognize thought patterns and the stories I told myself on repeat. I noticed that the stories lost some of their power the less I paid attention to them. I felt lighter. I started giving classes at work. The fire alarm in my mind hadn’t gone away completely, but it was more manageable. That’s not to say I still didn’t have any more moments of overwhelm followed by numbing. They were becoming less frequent, fortunately. A few years later I made the decision to practice unconditional self-acceptance and decouple a need to be ultra productive with my wellbeing. Emphasis on the word “practice.” I maintained the meditation practice and added a gratitude practice to the mix. I started writing down at least 3 things I appreciated each day. Another gamechanger. Gratitude helped me to remember and reconnect with the joy of being alive. Pain and fear did not disappear, but joy started to take its rightful place on the stage in the theater of my mind. This emboldened me, and I started to challenge myself bit by bit. I started taking cold showers, taking dancing lessons, and having more honest, challenging conversations. While frequently uncomfortable, these practices helped to soothe my nervous system and make it more resilient in states of discomfort. Coworkers began to thank me for the lessons and offer positive feedback. I expanded my classes as well as started up mastermind groups and some 1:1 coaching. I found that every time I chose to face to my fear and take action, I was trading a piece of anxiety in for some confidence. This eventually led to me digging deep and looking into my darkness with compassion. I saw the hurt parts of myself and chose to respond with love rather than shame. That fire alarm in my mind is the quietest it has ever been. This remains and always will be a constant practice. Instead of seeking the escape of numbing myself from life so much, I am living it more often than not.

If you are struggling with your own mental fire alarm, I hope you can entertain the thought that you are good enough. I hope you can believe that you are worthy and capable of living a fulfilling life. Make time for silence, make time for gratitude, and make time for connections with people who bring out the best in you. Trade in your anxiety for your confidence and live.